Samantha Testimony
Presented by husband and Laura at Cornerstone Baptist Church
(And to you--all our family and friends)
June 17th, 2007

Introduction
Most of you know that our family is in the midst of a trial. Our daughter Samantha is dying from large hole in her heart caused from a condition known as Trisomy 18. Some days she appears very weak, and other days fairly strong, but the medical tests indicate she will live perhaps a few more months. Although I am certain that many of you have experienced and continue to experience trials as dark or even darker, I think it is worthwhile to speak publicly about the nature of our trial and the response of Grace from the Lord's hand. I am certain that the Lord encourages His church through testimonies of His Grace – however great or small the testing.

Ps 107:31-32 Oh, that men would give thanks to the LORD for His goodness, And for His wonderful works to the children of men! 32 Let them exalt Him also in the assembly of the people, and praise Him in the company of the elders. NKJV


Contentedness in God's providence.
We love raising children and we were so excited for this fourth little one to be added to our family. Though the news is over a month old to us we still shed tears at the thought of losing someone so precious to us. At the same time we know full well that the Lord gave Samantha life in His perfect will. We know that God made no mistakes when He knit her together in my womb.
Ps 139:14-16 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well. 15 My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. 16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them.

Likewise Job 14:5 states, "Man's days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed"
We know that the Lord has measured out the number of her days no less accurately than for any of us. Yet we find it a difficult path to submit our hearts to these doctrines. It is hard to trust in the Lord's leading when your affections resist the path He has chosen.
In answer to this struggle we have been thinking about the context of Paul's confession in Phil 4:10-13.
But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at last your care for me has flourished again; though you surely did care, but you lacked opportunity. 11 Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: 12 I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. 13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

When Paul says he can do 'all things,' what are the 'things' he has in mind? The 'thing' he is able to do through Christ is be content in feast and in famine. Paul is saying here that whatever providences God puts before him, whatever the hardships, whatever the trials, ( v.11) "in whatever state I am… to be content." As I think of it, this is a humbling statement to hear from a man who has endured beatings, stoning, shipwreck, desertion, and all matter of abuse. I believe this also to be the spirit of Job when (after losing all of his sons and daughters) when he says "Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?"

Laura and I can testify that it is humanly impossible to hold the doctrines of God's sovereignty in one arm and hold a dying child in the other. Christ, however, makes it possible for us. The peace and contentment we share through this trial is something we can only possess through Christ who strengthens us. It is hard to be content; it is hard to be satisfied; it is hard to conceive that the Lord can work in this trial for good. But whatever our lot, Christ is teaching us to say "though He slay me, yet will I trust Him."When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,When sorrows like sea billows roll;Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul.

As a mother it is so easy to get caught up in a multitude of worries: what is she is suffering, should I shield the other children in any way. I need to continually bring these worries to the Lord in prayer. There are overwhelming days in which I find it a struggle to get out bed. I discover on those days that His Word is faithful and "His mercies are new every morning". It is only in Him I can find any joy. Left to myself I wouldn't be able to get through this heartache, but because I am His child He invites us to take to Him our sorrows, pain, discontentment and even unbelief.
Emoting with others - a praise of local church body
I think something of the heart of God is demonstrated when we see Jesus at the foot of Lazarus' tomb. Everyone knows the verse, "Jesus wept." But consider! Jesus knows full well that "to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord." (2Cor 5:8) Why would he weep? He knows full well that, in a few hours, Lazarus would be eating and drinking in the presence of his family. I believe that Jesus demonstrates here a tender-hearted affection for the family of Lazarus so deep that genuine tears of sympathy stream down his face with unguarded selflessness. I am sure this is what Paul has in mind when he exhorts us to "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." Rom 12:15-16
You have done exactly this. We have been deeply touched by the kindness you have demonstrated. Gentle understanding words, silent prayers, plates of food, visits, phone calls, kind emails, and your many prayers encourage and sustain us. Many of you have had an arm around us and shed tears with us – and we have sensed such Christ-like love in this. Surely goodness and mercy have followed us – and the Lord has delivered them by your hand. You have been the instruments of God's grace and tender affection towards us.
He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials He multiplies peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father's full giving is only begun.

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

You have been that grace to us. You who have spoken words of encouragement, cut our grass, brought us food, prayed for us – you have been the strength, mercy and peace God has multiplied unto us.
Hope for SalvationMy husband and I have struggled with many questions regarding Samantha and what the Bible says about the salvation of her soul. We want to share why we are able to rest confidently in the good news of the gospel – resting with hearts full of hope that we will see Samantha in glory. Our hope is based not on wishful thinking or man-made doctrines but on the nature of Salvation offered to us through Christ.

Consider Eph 2:3-10.
…we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, just as the others. But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, 5 even when we were dead in sins, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), 6 and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7 that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. 8 For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, 9 not of works, lest anyone should boast.

Some religions require a life of good works, penance, abstention, and all other matter of obligation. Of the salvation Jesus offers freely Spurgeon writes:
Let us never for a moment think that our [accepted] standing [before God] is in our sanctification, our mortification, our graces, or our feelings, but know that because Christ offered a full atonement, therefore we are saved; for we are complete in Him. Having nothing of our own to trust to, but resting upon the merits of Jesus—His passion [death] and holy life furnish us with the only sure ground of confidence.

Samantha has no good works to her merit. But God does not receive us on that account. If she stands on that last day justified it will be because she stands on the merits of Jesus Christ. This is the good news.

If you feel that your faith is too weak or the pile of your good works is too small to win acceptance with God, you have missed the gospel message. Christ offers full forgiveness, full atonement, and adoption into the family of the King of Kings. Do not wait for your faith to become strong. That day will never come. Do not wait until you have conquered your sins. Come to Christ bringing nothing and expecting eternal life with the Creator of the universe.

Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee;
Let the water and the blood,
From Thy wounded side which flowed,
Be of sin the double cure;
Save from wrath and make me pure.

Not the labor of my hands
Can fulfill Thy law's demands;
Could my zeal no respite know,
Could my tears forever flow,
All for sin could not atone;
Thou must save, and Thou alone.

Nothing in my hand I bring,
Simply to the cross I cling;
Naked, come to Thee for dress;
Helpless look to Thee for grace;
Foul, I to the fountain fly;
Wash me, Savior, or I die.

While I draw this fleeting breath,
When mine eyes shall close in death,
When I soar to worlds unknown,
See Thee on Thy judgment throne,
Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee.
There is a single passage of scripture that summarizes perfectly all that Laura and I have tried to communicate today.
1 Cor 15:55-58 "O Death, where is your sting ? O Hell, where is your victory?" 56 The sting of death is sin, and the strength of sin is the law. 57 But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. 58 Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.

Celebrating Life with Samantha

Bringing Samantha home with us was such a privilege and at the same time so scary. I was told that it was because of her heart condition that she was unable to breathe well and therefore she could not nurse, or grow very much. However, she did not require oxygen or a feeding tube which is very common with Trisomy 18 babies. We had the oxygen in our home and ready, just in case. I also was given morphine to keep in her diaper bag, just in case. How many people have to carry that in their diaper bag?! It was also hard for me to go to her newly decorated nursery and see her room and dresser filled with her things. Will she ever get to wear any of those clothes or play with any of her toys? We already had to go shopping for little preemie clothes because she just was so little.

We also had Hospice come once a week. Sandy was our nurse and she was one of the best things that happened to us. She was not only a Christian as well, which was incredible, but she also had the experience herself of loosing a child. Her little girl died at 3 years old from heart failure. She was such a comfort to me. She helped us prepare for the last day. And she also encouraged us to live life to the fullest with her- don't cancel those vacations... bring her! She was so practical too. I pumped every day for Samantha because I wanted to give her the best I could. But after 3 months I was so exhausted. She recommended to quit doing that! Formula was just as good and it's better for me to be able to function better. I needed someone to tell me that. Samantha didn't seem to notice the change much at all and it was soo much easier and I could sleep a little better.


We had so many visitors come all summer long. After the Birth Announcement email was sent, we had so many responses. To our disbelief, all these emails and letters were being sent back to us, literally from all around the world: people who were forwarded the email from other people and who were praying for us. We were overwhelmed with thankfulness. Visitors would lavish us with meals and would just want to encourage us, see her and hold her. We were strengthened through the kindness of God's people and it was nothing short of God's grace poured to us. I was so sad, confused and weary and I could barely pray more than, 'please help'. BUT GOD, was there interceding for me. It was the prayers and support of our family and friends that was my lifeline. It was like the Bible story in Luke 5:18-19: I was the cripple on the mat needing to see Jesus, and my family and friends bore my load on their shoulders and took me there themselves.



In August, we took Samantha on our vacation to Michigan to see my parents. We spent a week on the lake, boating and even camped. Samantha did great and we cherished the time we had together. Our little now nearly 7 pound girl was such a little trouper... I think she liked boating on Lake Huron the best. We were able to share her and her story with the people praying for her in my hometown church. There is a woman that attends there that fully sympathized with me. She had lost her baby at birth a few years ago. It was actually through this tragedy that brought her and her husband to a saving knowledge of Christ.

Birth Announcement

This was the email we sent out on May 13, 2007



Dear Family and Friends,

As a family, we wanted to allow family and friends to
share in both our joys and our sorrows. As a husband and
father, I felt that I could not adequately represent all of
our feelings -- so Laura and Sophia will speak for themselves. This morning at the breakfast table we gave thanks for a beautiful Mother's Day with a beautiful new daughter/sister. We are so glad to have Samantha in our home and enjoy loving her and caring for her needs. As a father I appreciate a new opportunity to teach the children about unconditional love. I also feel this to be a God-given opportunity for the kids (and parents) to experience more deeply the blessing and miracle of life.


Samantha Jane was born on May 9th at 10:30 p.m, weighing 5 lbs 10 oz. She was born with several concerns, so after extensive testing in the hospital we found that Samantha was given to us with a disorder known as Trisomy 18. In layman’s terms, Samantha was made in such a
way that her heart and other other major functions will not develop properly. Children with this condition may live for days or weeks, but usually will not live till their 1st birthday.
She's precious, we can tell you that. And although it is a very difficult time for us, we can rejoice knowing still that she is "fearfully and wonderfully made". As Christians we all know that children are given to us for a time -- and that the amount of time is uncertain. God has given us a time
with Samantha that is very short, but we pray, and ask you to pray with us, that we can give her the most love we have to offer. Pray for us that we will have the strength to get through this with His richest grace and
that our other children will benefit through this opportunity.

The hymn Laura and I sang at our wedding ceremony
contained the following:

'When through firey trials thy pathway shall lie
My Grace all sufficient shall be thy supply
the flame shall not hurt thee I only design
thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.'

I can testify that though the trials have been firey, blessings have abounded beyond measure. Compared to the previous three births, Laura’s labor was very long. During the 48 hours following Samantha's birth, Laura had to travel to the special care ward on a different floor in the hospital for every feeding. From my point of view it is supernatual that
her body would be strong enough to make the trip every 2 hours so soon after giving birth.



We also are so thankful for our pediatrician and dear friend who prayed with us, cried with us, and has helped us in so many ways. God takes care of His own, there is no doubt about that.

Having shared our news, we kindly ask that you please refrain from calling or visiting for a time. We are very weary and feel we need time as a family right now to prepare for the days ahead.

Thank you for loving us


































to all my family and friends from Sophia,
samantha is a precious thing
the hair and skin is softer then
anything!
her eyes are brown and pretty
i want to hold her
want to sleep with her
and fix her hair
read to her
but she is going to die soon
as a baby
her hart has a holl that the
docter can not fix
she will never walk or talk
only in heven with the lord
our jesus
love sophia
***************************
***************************
***************************
***************************
***************************
***************************

When the morning falls on the highest hill

I will sing His Name, I will praise Him still

When dark trials come and my heart is filled

with the weight of doubt I will praise Him still

For the Lord our God He is strong to save

from the arms of death, from the deepest grave

And He gave us life in His perfect will

and by His good grace I will praise Him still.

Samantha's Story

This is part of journal I had written last summer recording the birth and events of our 4th baby, Samantha Jane.

Day 1 We arrived at the hospital at 8:30 a.m on May 9, 2007 for the induction. It was Samantha’s due date and we would finally get to meet her! I was so nervous of the unknown. Would it be a super fast delivery? Would it go o.k.? We had a really nice nurse, who said she would be there until 6 so I was relieved thinking she'll be there with us through the end, for the baby MUST be born by 6. This was my fourth baby, after all, so I was expecting a fast delivery. The pitocin drip was slow but steady. But by noon, I still hadn't been more than a centimeter dilated. Dr. L said that when I got to 3 or 4 o'clock, my water could be broken. I was almost 3 centimeters by 4, so the doctor broke my water and then I got an epidural. This was beginning to take a really long time. But thankfully, the baby wasn't showing stress and I was still progressing, even if it was very slow. The clock went on ticking…past 6 o'clock, 7, 8, 9... When I was starting to panic, Samantha Jane was born at 10:30 p.m.

The first moment I saw her I was surprised to see her eyes were opened, looking all around and she was silent. I saw her little feet how turned they were and saw her little hands- her little overlapping fingers and I could not keep back the tears. I kept looking at her sweet little face. We were all waiting for her to cry or make a sound. Finally her little cry came. I was so scared. This was so different and she was so little and this took so long and was something wrong??? Immediately the baby was rushed to the corner of the room and all these nurses and doctors were being called to look her over. I wanted my baby in my arms and they all had her. My husband just stayed with me saying it would be o.k. and that she looks good and she'll be fine. We were all shocked to hear that her weight was only 5 lbs. 10 oz.!! The doctor was concerned when he heard all my other babies were 9 pounders. Dr. L also stayed with us and was so wonderfully calm and positive. While all this was going on my placenta ruptured. They said it was o.k. since it ruptured at the end, but if it happened earlier, it could have been life threatening for both of us. What does all this mean? Meanwhile, the doctor was looking over the baby. He said all of her vitals were fine but didn't feel comfortable leaving her with me. So, for the night, he wanted her in the special care nursery. My heart sank. I just wanted her with me. And what about nursing? We asked to have the baby brought to me for feedings and they agreed to that. They all tried to make me feel better saying I could use the rest. I told my husband to go home and get some sleep and he would bring the kids and everyone the next day.


Day 2 That night and the next morning was a horrible time. I was alone in my room wondering what was happening to Samantha and if she was o.k. All I wanted to do was hold her. That night I would drift in and out of sleep, I could hear babies crying down the maternity ward and I was straining to hear my baby girl’s weak little cry from them all. Do these families realize what a miracle that just took place for them: that God gave them healthy little babies? I could no longer take life for granted. The emotions were suffocating. I grabbed the hospital menu and started writing down all the promises of God that came to mind to keep my mind fixed on: God will never leave or forsake me… All things work out for good to those who love him… Cast all your cares upon Him and He’ll care for me… God won’t give me more than I can handle…All I could pray that day was ‘please help me, Lord”. It was during this time also that ‘her verse’ came to me. For all of my children I have picked a verse for them from the Bible as a dedication to them. For my other children, I had them picked out by the time they were born. But through Samantha’s pregnancy I could not decide on a verse. In my hospital bed that night, this came to mind:

Psalms 139

O LORD, You have searched me and known me.

You know my sitting down and my rising up;

You understand my thought afar off.

You comprehend my path and my lying down,

And are acquainted with all my ways.

For there is not a word on my tongue,

But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.

You have hedged me behind and before,

And laid Your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

It is high, I cannot attain it.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?

Or where can I flee from Your presence?

If I ascend into heaven, You are there;

If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.

If I take the wings of the morning,

And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

Even there Your hand shall lead me,

And Your right hand shall hold me.

If I say, "Surely the darkness shall fall on me,"

Even the night shall be light about me;

Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,

But the night shines as the day;

The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

For You formed my inward parts;

You covered me in my mother's womb.

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Marvelous are Your works,

And that my soul knows very well.

My frame was not hidden from You,

When I was made in secret,

And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.

And in Your book they all were written,

The days fashioned for me,

When as yet there were none of them.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!

How great is the sum of them!

If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;

When I awake, I am still with You

Search me, O God, and my heart;

Try me, and know my anxieties;

And see if there is any wicked way in me,

And lead me in the way everlasting.

The nurses brought Samantha in every 2 hours for feedings and I would soak every minute I had holding her and loving her. Early the next morning, a different doctor was assigned that day. This doctor told me that he didn't see any reason why she couldn't stay with me in my room because her vitals were fine. So she came just before visiting hours began. I praised God for this because I didn’t want the kids to see their new baby sister hooked up to all the monitors in the nursery for their first visit if they didn’t have to. My husband, Mema (my mom) and the kids came to see her around 1 and the kids just loved her. Everyone couldn't get over how little she was and how pretty she was. We took many pictures with Samantha and her new brothers and sister. The doctors all said that her little hands and feet were all correctable so we were all very hopeful. I was told to contact Children's Hospital right away to get in to see the specialists and that they would update and contact our pediatrician Dr. P. That day I had her with me and I was so thankful. Around 4 o'clock I called my wonderful mother-in-law, Melanie and invited her to come see the baby. They came with beautiful roses around 6 that evening. Stephanie, my sister-in-law, was with them, when she saw her and held her the tears would not stop streaming. It was a more somber time because there were just so many things that were different. It was as if everyone was trying to joyful through their concern. Samantha slept with me that night and I hardly put her down. My recovery was unbelievable. That day, I could get around without much trouble. Considering the difficult labor, it was unreal for me.

Day 3 The next morning there was a DIFFERENT doctor that was on duty that day. When she came in to check on her she looked more concerned. After checking her vitals, she thought she heard a slight heart murmur. She then made the comment that there were just too many questions and she wanted the genetics department to test her before we left the hospital, so that we can be sure she is o.k. She said I was discharged and I could either go home or stay at a guest room on a different floor after 11:00 that night. She then told me that she wanted Samantha BACK in the special care nursery for further tests. Just when my hopes were back up, thinking she'll be fine and she can come home with me, they were now down again. At that point I couldn’t stop the tears that kept coming realizing Samantha would be taken away again. I asked her if she could stay with me for at least that day. She sympathized with me because she changed her mind and said that she would let her stay with me until I was discharged at 11:00 that night. She would just be taken for tests but then brought back to me. Later that day they drew blood for the genetics and then the heart doctor from Children's Hospital did a sonogram on her to check her heart. She was brought back and forth to me and I was so grateful to hold her. Later a lady from the genetics came to speak to me in my room. At this point I was too overwhelmed with all the medics who were trying to fix everything themselves and I longed for Christians to remind me of God's promises and that no matter what He still loved me and was in charge of all these circumstances. God provided that need. I called our dear Christian friend and pediatrician Dr. P, who was along with us on this journey since the ultrasound and informed him the latest and asked him what the genetic people were looking for. He was the only one who told me: they wanted to rule out Trisome 18. If Samantha had Trisome 18, he said, she will not live past a year, probably not even the first month. I wasn’t expecting this. I was preparing myself to prepare for a special needs child but never imagining her condition might be life-threatening. From that point on I prayed that God would help us prepare for whatever outcome, even death. I was thankful that now I knew what they were looking for. Dr. P’s honestly and care was so needed that day. He is a Christian too, so his perspective was nothing but a comfort to me. I could see God already answering my simple prayers—He was certainly near us and was giving us all that we needed to know, just at the right time.

Because we had the other 3 children to take care of at home, my husband had been at home at this point waiting to hear from me what we should do. He was expecting to pick us up that day and bring us home, but since that wasn’t the case, he suggested that my mom come that night to keep me company then he would come the next day. Again, God knew exactly what I needed and in what order. Mom came just around supper and we cried and prayed together and just held our baby girl. The nurses, who knew she was special too, were so kind to me. They seemed to pay extra attention to little Samantha and one nurse even said that she heard about the little girl baby with the beautiful little face. Another nurse felt bad that I had to leave her that night and insisted she would move me and to stay as long as I wanted. It wasn’t but maybe an hour after mom arrived, we got a knock on the door and were introduced to the head of the heart department of Children's Hospital. That’s not the most welcoming sight! I was trying to not get washed away with all these flooding fears that were streaming in my mind at this point. The dr. said that they got the results of her sonogram back and that Samantha had a "very” large hole in the middle wall between the chambers- also known as VSD. He said the reason he came personally was because the person who was looking her test over thought the aorta was too small and he said as soon as he heard that he jumped in his car because that is very bad. He quickly called another dr. to have him look at the results and see if it was too small and he called him back as soon as he got in the elevator to come up to our room. His opinion was that it did not look too small. He then said that this hole in her heart was somewhat common with children with heart problems and it would require surgery by the age of 1, but this was a surgery that was usually always successful because it was done so frequently. He made us an appointment to see him at Children's Hospital that week "unless the genetic report suggests otherwise". What that meant, I had no idea, but I was just relieved that her heart condition was ‘fixable’. That night I was praising God that mom was there that night. It is so hard to focus and concentrate and make decisions on my own when I’m just trying to keep on functioning. I was so weary of dealing with all the doctors alone. Mom stayed with me until I was ‘discharged’. At 10:30 and she was taken to the special care nursery again and I packed my things to move to the floor below. The kind nurse took me first to the special care nursery to show me where it was, then to my room--where she gave me things I needed before we settled--- even though I had to sign an agreement that I couldn't ask for anything and if I had any medical issues I needed to admit myself in the emergency room.

The room fit well with my gloomy spirits: cold, dark and ugly. I had this bell that they rang in my room every 2-3 hours when it was time to nurse her. I would then go to the special care nursery, scrub at the special wash bin, go in and they would disconnect her from all the monitors and I could have her to myself in a room off to the side where I would nurse her and then just hold her. My milk had come in already and I'm so thankful (especially since then I didn't know she wasn't really able to nurse after all, yet she got enough to sustain her). The special care nursery nurses were so kind. They all went above and beyond to make me comfortable and they all loved on Samantha. Back at my room all night between feedings I would once again sleep restlessly in and out of sleep, always hearing this strong baby cry that I knew wasn’t my baby’s and straining to hear mine- the weak little cry.

Day 4, Saturday- a DIFFERENT doctor was on duty. He had told the special care nurses that he wanted to see me that morning (but it was never a given what time that was). It was my husband's day to come spend time with me and I can't get over God's timing once again. I had just fed Samantha and gone back to my room when he arrived. We talked a bit and then were just getting ready to go see her when we saw the doctor pass us in the hall and begin to knock on my door. We turned around and met him, then went into the room to discuss options. His view was she was breathing FINE on her own and why not take her home until more tests were found out? The pendulum once again swung. We asked, 'what if it was Trisomy 18, though... wouldn't it be best to know here?' His response was that chances were very slim that it was and that he didn't think it was. But, if it made us feel any better, he would call the Hospital to see if the preliminary results were back in. He stood by the bedside table and called them right there from the room. When he got off the phone he told us soberly that she indeed had Trisomy 18. We wept.

The doctor gave his condolences and from this point, the medical energy seemed to stop. They could no longer fix anything. All the appointments that needed to be made were no longer. He left us fairly quickly and right after he left, we got a knock on the door and it was Dr. P. He also got the results back and rushed in his car to come tell us the news himself. When he entered the room, he knew we had just found out. His presence and care to us right then meant more than anything. He cried with us, prayed with us and encouraged us in the Word and Gospel. He helped us practically too- how we can share this with the kids and what to expect with other people and their comments. He told us we can take Samantha home or leave her in the nursery at the hospital. Without a doubt, we wanted her home with us. He suggested having Hospice come once a week and help us. He told us what to maybe expect with her death and what Trisomy 18 means. We valued Dr. P's (his wife, also a close friend of mine) friendship so much and praised God for His timing in everything. We told him we wanted to go home now and take her with us. So he helped us discharge from the hospital. When we went to the special care nursery to get her, Samantha started to choke and turning red when I was nursing her and I panicked thinking she was dying then! He assured me she was fine. This was so scary- how am I going to manage this: knowing she will die, soon, but not knowing how or when? When we were leaving, there was one nurse who was crying for us and who ran and gave us a tract from her church. That shocked me a bit because I felt like we had to be one of hundreds that they see go through a similar circumstance. That they were so personally attentive meant so much. They asked to keep them in touch and to inform them what happens. They were very kind to us.

We got her in the car and as we were heading home, we discussed how we were going to break the news since we kept silent this entire time to our family and friends- not knowing fully what was going on anyway. Yet so many people were wondering and waiting. My husband decided to call his family over to the house right away and call it a 'welcome home Samantha' time. We then could share the news with just the family members. So we did that and his parents, along with Matt and Steph (his siblings) were able to make it. Before they arrived we took the kids' up to Sophie's room and shared with them first what was going on. Jonathan did such a good job. He shared with tenderness that God gave her to us but only for a short time. He explained that she had a weak heart and that she would not live very long, but that God gave Samantha to us so that we could love and take care of her for however long it might be. The kid's were so sad that she was going to die and were crying-- not being able to understand why. Poor little Josh, my three year old, was concerned the most about Mommy who wouldn’t stop crying! We wanted the kid's to know first so that they would understand when, in just a few minutes, the 'grown ups' would all fell apart. My husband taped the conversation so we would always remember, and I'm so grateful he had his head together to think of all these great details. When we came down, I'm sure we all looked all red and puffy eyed. My husband called all the family together in the living room and then had Stephanie read the words to the lyrics from Fernando Ortega's song, ‘I will Praise Him Still':

When the morning falls on the farthest hill
I will sing His Name, I will praise Him still
When dark trials come and my heart is filled
with the weight of doubt I will praise Him still

For the Lord our God He is strong to save
From the arms of death , from the deepest grave
And He gave us life in His perfect will
and by His good grace I will praise Him still.

He then shared with everyone her condition and her life expectancy. There was much weeping that day. We asked them to wait a day to share the news with other people so that my husband could form an email so that we could inform people ourselves. The Birth Announcement was what he had sent that very next day.

Thought I'd Give it a Try

My friend called me this evening and told me to look at a blog that she thought might encourage me. I was so inspired I thought I'd create one.