Things that Make Me Smile

Josh While Josh was helping me bake, we were stirring until suddenly he remembered something else he wanted to go get. However, he wanted me to wait for him to get back, so he quickly says: "Mommy, can you pause it?"

Sophie started talking about seeing ghosts upstairs. Mommy's response: "There are no such things as ghosts... Where is it in the Bible?" Sophie's response: "The Father, the Son and the Holy GHOST."


Micah "Mom, I wish Dad was a farmer." Mommy, "Why, Micah?" Micah, "So he can stay home with us always."

Taking Time

The kids and I had just had Miss Mabe and Mrs. Davies over for tea. Miss Mabe is practically our neighbor- a widow who lives by herself in the country. Mrs. Davies is her sweet little friend who lives not far from her. We had so much fun: bringing out the fine china from the cupboard and taking cookies out of the freezer. Sophie, Micah and Josh each took turns serving them the assorted plates of cheeses and fruits. I wonder how often people take time to do this today and I make it a personal goal to do this more often.

Repose

excerpt from the Valley of Vision

Heavenly Father,

My faith is in thee,
My expectation is from thee,
My love goes out toward thee,

I believe thee,
accept thy Word,
acquiesce in thy will,
rely on thy promises,
trust thy providence.

I bless thee that the court of conscience proves me to be thine.
I do not need signs and wonders to believe, for thy Word is sure truth.
I have cast my anchor in the port of peace, knowing that present and future are in nail-pierced hands.
Thou art so good, wise, just holy, that no mistake is possible to thee.

Thou art fountain and source of all law; what thou commandest is mine to obey.
I yield to thy sovereignty all that I am and have; do thou with me as thou wilt.

Thou hast given me silence in my heart in place of murmurings and complaints.
Keep my wishes from growing into willings, my willings from becoming fault-finding with thy providences, and have mercy on me.

If I sin and am rebellious, help me to repent; then take away my mourning and give me music; remove my sackcloth and adorn me with beauty; take away my sighs and fill my mouth with songs; and when I am restored and rest in thee give me summer weather in my heart.

Pleasantries

Therefore we also pray always for you
that our God would count you worthy of this calling, and fulfill ALL THE GOOD PLEASURE OF HIS GOODNESS and the work of faith with power, that the name of our Lord Jesus Christ may be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ...
who has loved us and given us
EVERLASTING CONSOLATION and GOOD HOPE by grace.

Judah James

On May 13, 2008, we checked in to the same birthing center at the same hospital with the same doctor just as we had done exactly one year previous. I was continually praying for help in trusting in Him and this new birth. The nurses were so very kind. To my surprise, many noticed our name on the large screen that’s posted and several came just to check on us and make sure things were o.k. When he finally arrived there were 5 nurses to witness the new little miracle. Judah (which means Praise God) James was born at 6:30 p.m. He was a strong healthy boy at 8 pounds 10 ounces and 21 inches long and we were overwhelmed with joy.

The day after he was born, I went back to the special care nursery and gave them a note that thanked them and told them the rest of Samantha’s story, as they requested a year ago. One nurse in particular who came on duty later that day, came to me to thank me and to see our new little one. What a big testimony from such a little girl who lived for such a short time.

Judah was welcomed by family and friends with thankfulness. Someday he will know more fully how much of a blessing he is to all of us.
Psalm 34:1-4 I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul shall make its boast in the Lord; The humble shall hear of it and be glad. Oh, magnify the Lord with me, And let us exalt His name together. I sought the Lord, and He heard me, And delivered me from all my fears.

Samantha's Garden

As gifts, many people gave perennial flowers for a memorial garden for Samantha. Our parents helped us plant them in September and in May, Samantha's birthday month, it was so beautiful to see the plants from all our family and friends in bloom.

Putting one foot in front of the other

While Samantha was living we had planned to wait at least a year to think about any more children because I get so sick with my pregnancies. I wanted to fully be able to care for her and knew that wouldn't be possible if I was pregnant again. God has His own plans for us. To our surprise, one week after Samantha's death, we found out I was pregnant! In His perfect timing I didn't start getting sick until 2 weeks after she passed away.

It was a difficult winter. I was battling fear of the new pregnancy and was flooded with grief. I was afraid her memory would go too quickly and I was not ready for time to move forward. It was during this time that was just as difficult if not more so then the previous months. During the time we had with Samantha, I was on survival mode- all the way through the funeral and shortly after. After life starts to resume it's course, the grief seemed to try to plow me over. Also by this time the calls and letters started to become more infrequent, so I was left to my own thoughts. Our pastor recently gave the hope and gospel from Ephesians 1 and encouraged everyone to plant these truths and promises in their hearts now, before there are trials. As Christians, we know that there will be suffering, it's not an if.

Romans 5:1-5

1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Prepare for the trials now. Read the Word, try to understand His Promises, plant them in your soul. I encourage all believers to arm themselves with the Truth and Gospel so that you can be ready for what life brings you. My heart breaks for everyone who goes through life's heartaches and terrible trials without Christ and hope. And for all that do not know or believe the gospel, I pray that you turn to Christ now. If you want to know more what that means go here. For more on suffering or struggling with contentedness listen to When You Don't Like Where You Are here.

There is Hope

2 Sam 12:16-23
And the LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife bore to David, and it became ill.16 David therefore pleaded with God for the child, and David fasted and went in and lay all night on the ground. 17 So the elders of his house arose and went to him, to raise him up from the ground. But he would not, nor did he eat food with them. 18 Then on the seventh day it came to pass that the child died. And the servants of David were afraid to tell him that the child was dead. For they said, "Indeed, while the child was alive, we spoke to him, and he would not heed our voice. How can we tell him that the child is dead? He may do some harm!" 19 When David saw that his servants were whispering, David perceived that the child was dead. Therefore David said to his servants, "Is the child dead?" And they said, "He is dead." 20 So David arose from the ground, washed and anointed himself, and changed his clothes; and he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he went to his own house; and when he requested, they set food before him, and he ate. 21 Then his servants said to him, "What is this that you have done? You fasted and wept for the child while he was alive, but when the child died, you arose and ate food." 22 And he said, "While the child was alive, I fasted and wept; for I said, 'Who can tell whether the LORD will be gracious to me, that the child may live?' 23 "But now he is dead; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me."

1 Cor 15:3-4
3 For I delivered to you first of all that which I also received: that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, 4 and that He was buried, and that He rose again the third day according to the Scriptures...

1 Cor 15:12-14
12 Now if Christ is preached that He has been raised from the dead, how do some among you say that there is no resurrection of the dead? 13 But if there is no resurrection of the dead, then Christ is not risen. 14 And if Christ is not risen, then our preaching is empty and your faith is also
empty.

1 Cor 15:20-22
20 But now Christ is risen from the dead, and has become the first fruits of those who have fallen asleep. 21 For since by man came death, by Man also came the resurrection of the dead. 22 For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ all shall be made alive.

1 Cor 15:35-38
35But someone will say, "How are the dead raised up? And with what body do they come?" 36 Foolish one, what you sow is not made alive unless it dies. 37 And what you sow, you do not sow that body that shall be, but mere grain--perhaps wheat or some other grain. 38 But God gives it a body as He pleases, and to each seed its own body.

1 Cor 15:44-45
44 It is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body. There is a natural body, and there is a spiritual body. 45 And so it is written, "The first man Adam became a living being." The last Adam became a life-giving spirit.

1 Cor 15:50-58
50 Now this I say, brethren, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God; nor does corruption inherit incorruption. 51 Behold, I tell you a mystery: We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed-- 52 in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed. 53 For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality. 54 So when this corruptible has put on incorruption, and this mortal has put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written: "Death is swallowed up in victory." 55 "O Death, where is your sting? O Hades, where is your victory?"56 The sting of death is sin, and the strength of sin is the law. 57 But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. 58 Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.

Samantha's Memorial Service

Saturday September 22, 2007

Samantha's Passing

This was the email we sent to our family and friends on September 18, 2007

So many people have expressed to us such kindness and concern for our daughter Samantha. Laura and I are weary and emotionally exhausted but wanted some of our own comments to attend the spreading news of Samantha's passing. I sit here at the computer looking into the living room in which I wrestle daily with the boys, where we celebrate birthdays and Christmas, and where we listen to music. Today Laura and I sat on the living room couch and wept over Samantha as she struggled for her last few breaths. As we held her and tried to soothe her pains, we talked of all of the blessings we have enjoyed on her behalf. Even though Samantha could not speak or return an embrace, so much goodness entered our lives on her account. Our marriage has increased in maturity, our family enjoys more closeness, our children receive more tender affection, close friends have become increasingly dear. Though our hearts are broken (and our house is a wreck) there is a much larger sense in which we are unspeakably thankful. In no way do we wish Samantha had not come to our home. In no way do we wish some other family endured this struggle instead of us. This tiny life, though short and fraught with discomfort, has ushered into our home an ocean of kindness and compassion through family, friends, and many unexpected avenues.

I've attached a letter Sophia tucked into Samantha's blanket a few moments ago. It is beautiful. I've also pasted below a hymn several of you have called to our attention recently. Please pray for Laura and I as we try to muster the strength to deal with a few medical responsibilities and initiate all of the funeral/burial arrangements.


He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials He multiplies peace.
When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father's full giving is only begun.
Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,
Our God ever yearns His resources to share;
Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;
The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.
His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

Samantha's last 6 days

These are excerpts from my journal from September 12- 18, 2007

Wednesday Today I took in Sophia to the doctor for and I also was able to get Samantha weighed: She is now 7 pounds 10 ounces...she gained exactly two pounds since birth and a half of an inch! She is now four months old.

This evening after church, during the night, I noticed a bit of a rasp and a little rattle in her breathing. It was a much different sound than the cold she caught on the way home from Michigan-- that was more congestion in the head where this was more in the chest. I woke up Jonathan in the middle of the night and told him that I thought she was getting sick and how it was different.

Thursday My kids had a home school co-op that day and I didn't want to go but Jonathan and I finally decided we did not know if this sickness would pass or not and since Samantha stays with me anyway, to try to go on like normal for the sake of the other kids. It was hard for me. I was exhausted from the night before and it was difficult to come to grips with this may being the end. I was weepy that day and since this was only the 3rd time or so we've attended this co-op, it was the first time for several of the mother's to learn about our situation. Once they understood, they were very kind and compassionate and finally one mother told me to just go home and she'll call me if there was a problem with my other two that were in class. I was so grateful for that. I took Joshua and Samantha home and called Sandy, my hospice nurse. She could see the change in her too and the hard part (which we were warned from the beginning) is that a virus and heart failure have the same symptoms. So until we heard it in her lungs, we'll just have to see if she gets over it. I'm just trying to make her comfortable. I'm holding her and taking her outside a lot hoping the fresh air helps her breathing.

Friday I had Samantha in the baby bjorn and tried to continue with school today but it was difficult. She wasn't getting any better and I didn't like the sound of her breathing. That afternoon Papa came to get the kids and Stephanie came over to make supper for us. Steph and Jonathan played piano all night while I held the baby. It was a somber feeling that was overwhelming me. That evening was another restless night. I had her sleeping right beside me since she had the croupy sound and she lost her little voice so she had such a weak cry. She was barely eating- maybe a 1/4 what she normally did (normal was 1-2 ounces). I tried to feed her whenever she cried.

Saturday We didn't do much this day other than try to pick up a bit while holding Samantha all the time. There was one point where I broke down in front of Jonathan and told him I think this was the end. He reminded me that this was o.k. and we were able to let her go. He had me hold her and walk with him around the perimeter of the yard as we (mostly I) talked about our fears and sorrows. I'm so thankful that I have Jonathan to go through this with as he is such a help to me. I was overwhelmed with grief not wanting to let her go yet and Jonathan reminded me God's promises. I was fearful the kind of death that she might experience and Jonathan gently reminded me that just like God was with us in her birth and in her life, He will be with us in her death too.

Sunday This morning Jonathan took the kids to church and Samantha and I sat and listened to Jerry Bridges preach on Trusting God when Life Hurts. I'm crying all the time again and need the Word of God to soothe the wounds. I'm desperate for re-reading the promises of God and hearing His goodness being preached. This is such a hard thing to go through and I need Him to help me function. After listening to the sermon, I wanted to reach out and ask for prayer so I wrote this email to my dear friend, MaryEllen:

Good morning, MaryEllen,

I’m right now holding the sleeping baby and trying to type with one hand seeing if I can send you a few words.

Our little Samantha is struggling. Wednesday evening she began to get sick. She started wheezing and then started to have croup-like symptoms. Since then she’s been getting weaker and weaker. Her cry is now a weak little squeak. Please pray for us as this is so difficult to watch. Time will tell if her end is near, so far her lungs seem clear. Nevertheless, it is every moment that I’m crying out to God for his grace to get through this. I’m trusting and when doubt creeps in, begging for trust in her Creator. I cling to His promises and try to remind myself continually the passages that particularly speak of His Sovereign will, His Trustworthiness and His Goodness. This morning I’ve been listening to Jerry Bridges preach on Trusting God When Life Hurts. One of the things He said was when something ‘bad’ happens to us there are only two explanations- either we are the victims of some horrible unforeseen circumstance or He is fully in control. I praise Him that there is only one answer. He IS in control. He not only allowed us to have Samantha for this time, but He planned her existence before the creation of the world. It is through the death and resurrection of Jesus that overcomes what sin has done to her and will make her well again in His Presence forever. What a God we serve. He alone is my life-line in this very deep valley. I can say all these things yet still battle my own wavering feelings. Please pray that I will not so easily waver and that these truths shall be bound around my neck. Please pray that I continually find rest in His promises even though I’m so tired.

Please inform and ask our fellow brethren at Bible Chapel these prayer requests.

Love to you,
Laura.

Monday Sandy came in the morning and confirmed she wasn't getting any better. No sound in lungs yet. At this rate, she didn't expect her to live till the weekend. She said she'd come back Wednesday. Samantha is still not eating much. Jonathan came home at lunch and stayed with us.

Tuesday I knew it was in the lungs. I called Sandy to come and see and she confirmed that it had moved to her lungs. She gave her morphine for the first time at noon. This was it: we were at the end. Morphine, we were told from the beginning, helps with pain but at the same time speeds death if there is heart problem to begin with.

Up until this point I had thought we would want to have this time to ourselves. Mom had even offered to come down and stay with me even the week before. I really thought we wanted just our own family. But, now that it was here it was so difficult to deal with. God knew this. Steph just showed up at 1:00. She took time off work to help us. By 3 Samantha was struggling to breathe and we called Jonathan's parents to come as quickly as possible to say their goodbye's.

We tried to keep her comfortable. She was struggling with breathing so badly now and just when we would think she had just taken her last breath, she would gasp and breathe again. This was the absolute worst thing to watch.

Jonathan would hold her for a while, then when it would be my turn to hold her he would play hymns on the piano for us. Stephanie read Scripture to us from Samantha's Bible. As a gift to us, our church had given us a Bible with her little name engraved in the front and people put inside the front cover their names with verses they dedicated to her. Stephanie read out loud those passages and they were such a comfort to us.

Pastor Landis heard earlier that day that she was struggling and he decided to drop in and check on us, not realizing that he arrived at her last hour. It was a blessing to have him there with us, praying for us and with us. Matthew, Jonathan's brother also came when he heard. God knew we needed people with us and he brought just the right ones at the right time.

At 6:15 she took her last breath peacefully. Samantha Jane went from her daddy's arms to her Maker's arms. She is finally well again.

Samantha smiled!!

September 3, 2007


Julie was over for the weekend. It was great to see her. She is a dear friend.

On Monday, the day she left, just an hour or so before actually, we were all sitting on the couch talking and this wave of normalcy seemed to wash over Samantha's face. For a moment it actually looked like she was looking at me (she doesn't have the natural eye reflexes so we don't know if she can see). I started to talk to her and smile and then all the sudden she started to smile back! I yelled out loud for Julie, who was sitting right next to me, to look and she saw her do it again, then Jonathan ran over and saw it! It was a precious wide grin!!!
There were tears of joy that day. I never thought I'd see her smile. Thanks to God for that indescribable gift.

She smiled for 3 consecutive days and we were able to get one still shot and one video camera.