Samantha's last 6 days

These are excerpts from my journal from September 12- 18, 2007

Wednesday Today I took in Sophia to the doctor for and I also was able to get Samantha weighed: She is now 7 pounds 10 ounces...she gained exactly two pounds since birth and a half of an inch! She is now four months old.

This evening after church, during the night, I noticed a bit of a rasp and a little rattle in her breathing. It was a much different sound than the cold she caught on the way home from Michigan-- that was more congestion in the head where this was more in the chest. I woke up Jonathan in the middle of the night and told him that I thought she was getting sick and how it was different.

Thursday My kids had a home school co-op that day and I didn't want to go but Jonathan and I finally decided we did not know if this sickness would pass or not and since Samantha stays with me anyway, to try to go on like normal for the sake of the other kids. It was hard for me. I was exhausted from the night before and it was difficult to come to grips with this may being the end. I was weepy that day and since this was only the 3rd time or so we've attended this co-op, it was the first time for several of the mother's to learn about our situation. Once they understood, they were very kind and compassionate and finally one mother told me to just go home and she'll call me if there was a problem with my other two that were in class. I was so grateful for that. I took Joshua and Samantha home and called Sandy, my hospice nurse. She could see the change in her too and the hard part (which we were warned from the beginning) is that a virus and heart failure have the same symptoms. So until we heard it in her lungs, we'll just have to see if she gets over it. I'm just trying to make her comfortable. I'm holding her and taking her outside a lot hoping the fresh air helps her breathing.

Friday I had Samantha in the baby bjorn and tried to continue with school today but it was difficult. She wasn't getting any better and I didn't like the sound of her breathing. That afternoon Papa came to get the kids and Stephanie came over to make supper for us. Steph and Jonathan played piano all night while I held the baby. It was a somber feeling that was overwhelming me. That evening was another restless night. I had her sleeping right beside me since she had the croupy sound and she lost her little voice so she had such a weak cry. She was barely eating- maybe a 1/4 what she normally did (normal was 1-2 ounces). I tried to feed her whenever she cried.

Saturday We didn't do much this day other than try to pick up a bit while holding Samantha all the time. There was one point where I broke down in front of Jonathan and told him I think this was the end. He reminded me that this was o.k. and we were able to let her go. He had me hold her and walk with him around the perimeter of the yard as we (mostly I) talked about our fears and sorrows. I'm so thankful that I have Jonathan to go through this with as he is such a help to me. I was overwhelmed with grief not wanting to let her go yet and Jonathan reminded me God's promises. I was fearful the kind of death that she might experience and Jonathan gently reminded me that just like God was with us in her birth and in her life, He will be with us in her death too.

Sunday This morning Jonathan took the kids to church and Samantha and I sat and listened to Jerry Bridges preach on Trusting God when Life Hurts. I'm crying all the time again and need the Word of God to soothe the wounds. I'm desperate for re-reading the promises of God and hearing His goodness being preached. This is such a hard thing to go through and I need Him to help me function. After listening to the sermon, I wanted to reach out and ask for prayer so I wrote this email to my dear friend, MaryEllen:

Good morning, MaryEllen,

I’m right now holding the sleeping baby and trying to type with one hand seeing if I can send you a few words.

Our little Samantha is struggling. Wednesday evening she began to get sick. She started wheezing and then started to have croup-like symptoms. Since then she’s been getting weaker and weaker. Her cry is now a weak little squeak. Please pray for us as this is so difficult to watch. Time will tell if her end is near, so far her lungs seem clear. Nevertheless, it is every moment that I’m crying out to God for his grace to get through this. I’m trusting and when doubt creeps in, begging for trust in her Creator. I cling to His promises and try to remind myself continually the passages that particularly speak of His Sovereign will, His Trustworthiness and His Goodness. This morning I’ve been listening to Jerry Bridges preach on Trusting God When Life Hurts. One of the things He said was when something ‘bad’ happens to us there are only two explanations- either we are the victims of some horrible unforeseen circumstance or He is fully in control. I praise Him that there is only one answer. He IS in control. He not only allowed us to have Samantha for this time, but He planned her existence before the creation of the world. It is through the death and resurrection of Jesus that overcomes what sin has done to her and will make her well again in His Presence forever. What a God we serve. He alone is my life-line in this very deep valley. I can say all these things yet still battle my own wavering feelings. Please pray that I will not so easily waver and that these truths shall be bound around my neck. Please pray that I continually find rest in His promises even though I’m so tired.

Please inform and ask our fellow brethren at Bible Chapel these prayer requests.

Love to you,
Laura.

Monday Sandy came in the morning and confirmed she wasn't getting any better. No sound in lungs yet. At this rate, she didn't expect her to live till the weekend. She said she'd come back Wednesday. Samantha is still not eating much. Jonathan came home at lunch and stayed with us.

Tuesday I knew it was in the lungs. I called Sandy to come and see and she confirmed that it had moved to her lungs. She gave her morphine for the first time at noon. This was it: we were at the end. Morphine, we were told from the beginning, helps with pain but at the same time speeds death if there is heart problem to begin with.

Up until this point I had thought we would want to have this time to ourselves. Mom had even offered to come down and stay with me even the week before. I really thought we wanted just our own family. But, now that it was here it was so difficult to deal with. God knew this. Steph just showed up at 1:00. She took time off work to help us. By 3 Samantha was struggling to breathe and we called Jonathan's parents to come as quickly as possible to say their goodbye's.

We tried to keep her comfortable. She was struggling with breathing so badly now and just when we would think she had just taken her last breath, she would gasp and breathe again. This was the absolute worst thing to watch.

Jonathan would hold her for a while, then when it would be my turn to hold her he would play hymns on the piano for us. Stephanie read Scripture to us from Samantha's Bible. As a gift to us, our church had given us a Bible with her little name engraved in the front and people put inside the front cover their names with verses they dedicated to her. Stephanie read out loud those passages and they were such a comfort to us.

Pastor Landis heard earlier that day that she was struggling and he decided to drop in and check on us, not realizing that he arrived at her last hour. It was a blessing to have him there with us, praying for us and with us. Matthew, Jonathan's brother also came when he heard. God knew we needed people with us and he brought just the right ones at the right time.

At 6:15 she took her last breath peacefully. Samantha Jane went from her daddy's arms to her Maker's arms. She is finally well again.