Samantha's Story

This is part of journal I had written last summer recording the birth and events of our 4th baby, Samantha Jane.

Day 1 We arrived at the hospital at 8:30 a.m on May 9, 2007 for the induction. It was Samantha’s due date and we would finally get to meet her! I was so nervous of the unknown. Would it be a super fast delivery? Would it go o.k.? We had a really nice nurse, who said she would be there until 6 so I was relieved thinking she'll be there with us through the end, for the baby MUST be born by 6. This was my fourth baby, after all, so I was expecting a fast delivery. The pitocin drip was slow but steady. But by noon, I still hadn't been more than a centimeter dilated. Dr. L said that when I got to 3 or 4 o'clock, my water could be broken. I was almost 3 centimeters by 4, so the doctor broke my water and then I got an epidural. This was beginning to take a really long time. But thankfully, the baby wasn't showing stress and I was still progressing, even if it was very slow. The clock went on ticking…past 6 o'clock, 7, 8, 9... When I was starting to panic, Samantha Jane was born at 10:30 p.m.

The first moment I saw her I was surprised to see her eyes were opened, looking all around and she was silent. I saw her little feet how turned they were and saw her little hands- her little overlapping fingers and I could not keep back the tears. I kept looking at her sweet little face. We were all waiting for her to cry or make a sound. Finally her little cry came. I was so scared. This was so different and she was so little and this took so long and was something wrong??? Immediately the baby was rushed to the corner of the room and all these nurses and doctors were being called to look her over. I wanted my baby in my arms and they all had her. My husband just stayed with me saying it would be o.k. and that she looks good and she'll be fine. We were all shocked to hear that her weight was only 5 lbs. 10 oz.!! The doctor was concerned when he heard all my other babies were 9 pounders. Dr. L also stayed with us and was so wonderfully calm and positive. While all this was going on my placenta ruptured. They said it was o.k. since it ruptured at the end, but if it happened earlier, it could have been life threatening for both of us. What does all this mean? Meanwhile, the doctor was looking over the baby. He said all of her vitals were fine but didn't feel comfortable leaving her with me. So, for the night, he wanted her in the special care nursery. My heart sank. I just wanted her with me. And what about nursing? We asked to have the baby brought to me for feedings and they agreed to that. They all tried to make me feel better saying I could use the rest. I told my husband to go home and get some sleep and he would bring the kids and everyone the next day.


Day 2 That night and the next morning was a horrible time. I was alone in my room wondering what was happening to Samantha and if she was o.k. All I wanted to do was hold her. That night I would drift in and out of sleep, I could hear babies crying down the maternity ward and I was straining to hear my baby girl’s weak little cry from them all. Do these families realize what a miracle that just took place for them: that God gave them healthy little babies? I could no longer take life for granted. The emotions were suffocating. I grabbed the hospital menu and started writing down all the promises of God that came to mind to keep my mind fixed on: God will never leave or forsake me… All things work out for good to those who love him… Cast all your cares upon Him and He’ll care for me… God won’t give me more than I can handle…All I could pray that day was ‘please help me, Lord”. It was during this time also that ‘her verse’ came to me. For all of my children I have picked a verse for them from the Bible as a dedication to them. For my other children, I had them picked out by the time they were born. But through Samantha’s pregnancy I could not decide on a verse. In my hospital bed that night, this came to mind:

Psalms 139

O LORD, You have searched me and known me.

You know my sitting down and my rising up;

You understand my thought afar off.

You comprehend my path and my lying down,

And are acquainted with all my ways.

For there is not a word on my tongue,

But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.

You have hedged me behind and before,

And laid Your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

It is high, I cannot attain it.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?

Or where can I flee from Your presence?

If I ascend into heaven, You are there;

If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.

If I take the wings of the morning,

And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

Even there Your hand shall lead me,

And Your right hand shall hold me.

If I say, "Surely the darkness shall fall on me,"

Even the night shall be light about me;

Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,

But the night shines as the day;

The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

For You formed my inward parts;

You covered me in my mother's womb.

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Marvelous are Your works,

And that my soul knows very well.

My frame was not hidden from You,

When I was made in secret,

And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.

And in Your book they all were written,

The days fashioned for me,

When as yet there were none of them.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!

How great is the sum of them!

If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;

When I awake, I am still with You

Search me, O God, and my heart;

Try me, and know my anxieties;

And see if there is any wicked way in me,

And lead me in the way everlasting.

The nurses brought Samantha in every 2 hours for feedings and I would soak every minute I had holding her and loving her. Early the next morning, a different doctor was assigned that day. This doctor told me that he didn't see any reason why she couldn't stay with me in my room because her vitals were fine. So she came just before visiting hours began. I praised God for this because I didn’t want the kids to see their new baby sister hooked up to all the monitors in the nursery for their first visit if they didn’t have to. My husband, Mema (my mom) and the kids came to see her around 1 and the kids just loved her. Everyone couldn't get over how little she was and how pretty she was. We took many pictures with Samantha and her new brothers and sister. The doctors all said that her little hands and feet were all correctable so we were all very hopeful. I was told to contact Children's Hospital right away to get in to see the specialists and that they would update and contact our pediatrician Dr. P. That day I had her with me and I was so thankful. Around 4 o'clock I called my wonderful mother-in-law, Melanie and invited her to come see the baby. They came with beautiful roses around 6 that evening. Stephanie, my sister-in-law, was with them, when she saw her and held her the tears would not stop streaming. It was a more somber time because there were just so many things that were different. It was as if everyone was trying to joyful through their concern. Samantha slept with me that night and I hardly put her down. My recovery was unbelievable. That day, I could get around without much trouble. Considering the difficult labor, it was unreal for me.

Day 3 The next morning there was a DIFFERENT doctor that was on duty that day. When she came in to check on her she looked more concerned. After checking her vitals, she thought she heard a slight heart murmur. She then made the comment that there were just too many questions and she wanted the genetics department to test her before we left the hospital, so that we can be sure she is o.k. She said I was discharged and I could either go home or stay at a guest room on a different floor after 11:00 that night. She then told me that she wanted Samantha BACK in the special care nursery for further tests. Just when my hopes were back up, thinking she'll be fine and she can come home with me, they were now down again. At that point I couldn’t stop the tears that kept coming realizing Samantha would be taken away again. I asked her if she could stay with me for at least that day. She sympathized with me because she changed her mind and said that she would let her stay with me until I was discharged at 11:00 that night. She would just be taken for tests but then brought back to me. Later that day they drew blood for the genetics and then the heart doctor from Children's Hospital did a sonogram on her to check her heart. She was brought back and forth to me and I was so grateful to hold her. Later a lady from the genetics came to speak to me in my room. At this point I was too overwhelmed with all the medics who were trying to fix everything themselves and I longed for Christians to remind me of God's promises and that no matter what He still loved me and was in charge of all these circumstances. God provided that need. I called our dear Christian friend and pediatrician Dr. P, who was along with us on this journey since the ultrasound and informed him the latest and asked him what the genetic people were looking for. He was the only one who told me: they wanted to rule out Trisome 18. If Samantha had Trisome 18, he said, she will not live past a year, probably not even the first month. I wasn’t expecting this. I was preparing myself to prepare for a special needs child but never imagining her condition might be life-threatening. From that point on I prayed that God would help us prepare for whatever outcome, even death. I was thankful that now I knew what they were looking for. Dr. P’s honestly and care was so needed that day. He is a Christian too, so his perspective was nothing but a comfort to me. I could see God already answering my simple prayers—He was certainly near us and was giving us all that we needed to know, just at the right time.

Because we had the other 3 children to take care of at home, my husband had been at home at this point waiting to hear from me what we should do. He was expecting to pick us up that day and bring us home, but since that wasn’t the case, he suggested that my mom come that night to keep me company then he would come the next day. Again, God knew exactly what I needed and in what order. Mom came just around supper and we cried and prayed together and just held our baby girl. The nurses, who knew she was special too, were so kind to me. They seemed to pay extra attention to little Samantha and one nurse even said that she heard about the little girl baby with the beautiful little face. Another nurse felt bad that I had to leave her that night and insisted she would move me and to stay as long as I wanted. It wasn’t but maybe an hour after mom arrived, we got a knock on the door and were introduced to the head of the heart department of Children's Hospital. That’s not the most welcoming sight! I was trying to not get washed away with all these flooding fears that were streaming in my mind at this point. The dr. said that they got the results of her sonogram back and that Samantha had a "very” large hole in the middle wall between the chambers- also known as VSD. He said the reason he came personally was because the person who was looking her test over thought the aorta was too small and he said as soon as he heard that he jumped in his car because that is very bad. He quickly called another dr. to have him look at the results and see if it was too small and he called him back as soon as he got in the elevator to come up to our room. His opinion was that it did not look too small. He then said that this hole in her heart was somewhat common with children with heart problems and it would require surgery by the age of 1, but this was a surgery that was usually always successful because it was done so frequently. He made us an appointment to see him at Children's Hospital that week "unless the genetic report suggests otherwise". What that meant, I had no idea, but I was just relieved that her heart condition was ‘fixable’. That night I was praising God that mom was there that night. It is so hard to focus and concentrate and make decisions on my own when I’m just trying to keep on functioning. I was so weary of dealing with all the doctors alone. Mom stayed with me until I was ‘discharged’. At 10:30 and she was taken to the special care nursery again and I packed my things to move to the floor below. The kind nurse took me first to the special care nursery to show me where it was, then to my room--where she gave me things I needed before we settled--- even though I had to sign an agreement that I couldn't ask for anything and if I had any medical issues I needed to admit myself in the emergency room.

The room fit well with my gloomy spirits: cold, dark and ugly. I had this bell that they rang in my room every 2-3 hours when it was time to nurse her. I would then go to the special care nursery, scrub at the special wash bin, go in and they would disconnect her from all the monitors and I could have her to myself in a room off to the side where I would nurse her and then just hold her. My milk had come in already and I'm so thankful (especially since then I didn't know she wasn't really able to nurse after all, yet she got enough to sustain her). The special care nursery nurses were so kind. They all went above and beyond to make me comfortable and they all loved on Samantha. Back at my room all night between feedings I would once again sleep restlessly in and out of sleep, always hearing this strong baby cry that I knew wasn’t my baby’s and straining to hear mine- the weak little cry.

Day 4, Saturday- a DIFFERENT doctor was on duty. He had told the special care nurses that he wanted to see me that morning (but it was never a given what time that was). It was my husband's day to come spend time with me and I can't get over God's timing once again. I had just fed Samantha and gone back to my room when he arrived. We talked a bit and then were just getting ready to go see her when we saw the doctor pass us in the hall and begin to knock on my door. We turned around and met him, then went into the room to discuss options. His view was she was breathing FINE on her own and why not take her home until more tests were found out? The pendulum once again swung. We asked, 'what if it was Trisomy 18, though... wouldn't it be best to know here?' His response was that chances were very slim that it was and that he didn't think it was. But, if it made us feel any better, he would call the Hospital to see if the preliminary results were back in. He stood by the bedside table and called them right there from the room. When he got off the phone he told us soberly that she indeed had Trisomy 18. We wept.

The doctor gave his condolences and from this point, the medical energy seemed to stop. They could no longer fix anything. All the appointments that needed to be made were no longer. He left us fairly quickly and right after he left, we got a knock on the door and it was Dr. P. He also got the results back and rushed in his car to come tell us the news himself. When he entered the room, he knew we had just found out. His presence and care to us right then meant more than anything. He cried with us, prayed with us and encouraged us in the Word and Gospel. He helped us practically too- how we can share this with the kids and what to expect with other people and their comments. He told us we can take Samantha home or leave her in the nursery at the hospital. Without a doubt, we wanted her home with us. He suggested having Hospice come once a week and help us. He told us what to maybe expect with her death and what Trisomy 18 means. We valued Dr. P's (his wife, also a close friend of mine) friendship so much and praised God for His timing in everything. We told him we wanted to go home now and take her with us. So he helped us discharge from the hospital. When we went to the special care nursery to get her, Samantha started to choke and turning red when I was nursing her and I panicked thinking she was dying then! He assured me she was fine. This was so scary- how am I going to manage this: knowing she will die, soon, but not knowing how or when? When we were leaving, there was one nurse who was crying for us and who ran and gave us a tract from her church. That shocked me a bit because I felt like we had to be one of hundreds that they see go through a similar circumstance. That they were so personally attentive meant so much. They asked to keep them in touch and to inform them what happens. They were very kind to us.

We got her in the car and as we were heading home, we discussed how we were going to break the news since we kept silent this entire time to our family and friends- not knowing fully what was going on anyway. Yet so many people were wondering and waiting. My husband decided to call his family over to the house right away and call it a 'welcome home Samantha' time. We then could share the news with just the family members. So we did that and his parents, along with Matt and Steph (his siblings) were able to make it. Before they arrived we took the kids' up to Sophie's room and shared with them first what was going on. Jonathan did such a good job. He shared with tenderness that God gave her to us but only for a short time. He explained that she had a weak heart and that she would not live very long, but that God gave Samantha to us so that we could love and take care of her for however long it might be. The kid's were so sad that she was going to die and were crying-- not being able to understand why. Poor little Josh, my three year old, was concerned the most about Mommy who wouldn’t stop crying! We wanted the kid's to know first so that they would understand when, in just a few minutes, the 'grown ups' would all fell apart. My husband taped the conversation so we would always remember, and I'm so grateful he had his head together to think of all these great details. When we came down, I'm sure we all looked all red and puffy eyed. My husband called all the family together in the living room and then had Stephanie read the words to the lyrics from Fernando Ortega's song, ‘I will Praise Him Still':

When the morning falls on the farthest hill
I will sing His Name, I will praise Him still
When dark trials come and my heart is filled
with the weight of doubt I will praise Him still

For the Lord our God He is strong to save
From the arms of death , from the deepest grave
And He gave us life in His perfect will
and by His good grace I will praise Him still.

He then shared with everyone her condition and her life expectancy. There was much weeping that day. We asked them to wait a day to share the news with other people so that my husband could form an email so that we could inform people ourselves. The Birth Announcement was what he had sent that very next day.